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| photo credit "but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed." James 1:14 |
This morning I'm sitting in my dining room looking out the window into my backyard. It's a sunny, breezy day... nice and cool... and I'm thinking about thinking.
I'm doing very well this morning, spiritually speaking. But over the last week, I've had some challenges. Technically speaking, I dipped into controlling behavior, self-condemnation, and depression. By the grace of God, and with the help of friends and Pastors, I was able to pull myself out of it, but I really need to take some time and learn from this episode so I can cut it off earlier next time.
I was meditating on Ephesians 4:21-24 this morning, which says:
"Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the Truth that has come from Him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy."As I was laying on my office floor listening to Jason Upton's Faith CD and thinking about this piece of Scripture, the Lord showed me a picture. Jason Upton was singing about having childlike faith, and in my spirit I saw a picture of a bright-eyed little girl playing outside in a field of wildflowers. It was a bright, sunny day, and she was at peace and filled with joy as she moved through the field picking flowers and humming a song. All was well with her soul.
Then along came a dark little butterfly that was a dark thought in disguise. It whispered a lie in the little girl's ear that brought a little frown to her brow and a slight dimness to her eyes. The butterfly was small, and seemed harmless, so she shrugged it off. It returned again and whispered a lie that was even more tempting and dark, and the little girl's countenance darkened again, but again, though she had the power to squash the butterfly so it wouldn't bother her anymore, she shrugged it off. Finally, the butterfly came back a third time, with a lie too tempting to ignore, and the little girl was hooked. Even though the butterfly said things that hurt and troubled her deeply, she followed it because she believed its lies. As the dark butterfly began to fly away from the beautiful field, she followed after it. She knew she was going the wrong way, felt the knot of discontent forming in her stomach, and she longed for the peace of the field, but still, she followed the butterfly.
I know that butterfly, and where it leads. It lives in darkness, depression, rejection, and discontent. All who follow it will end up hopeless and defeated, and that's been a bad habit of mine. Like an alcoholic who believes one drink won't hurt anything and ends up drowning in liquid sorrow, I have allowed that dark butterfly to keep coming back and whispering in my ear instead of squashing it like the evil bug it is.
The Bible says to "throw off your old sinful nature." It tells us to put our flesh and old ways TO DEATH. This is where I sometimes fall down on the job and allow myself to wander off, ending up hopeless and defeated.
So, how do I keep that from happening again? Well, that's the funny thing. If you're anything like me, you probably think the only way to make it better is to work harder, be better, strive for excellence! But the truth is that all my striving starts the cycle all over again.
Once I find myself in hopelessness and depression, I work hard to build up my faith and get myself to that place of joy and contentment before the Father. But then, because I still believe the lie that I have to make myself perfect to be acceptable, I begin to work harder and harder to make myself better, and end up working myself into the ground... which makes me vulnerable to the butterfly, and I'm right back on my way to where I started.
So what's the answer? Brokenness.
My flesh, my will, my pride have to be broken. It's morbid, but I think of a person lying on the floor with a broken spine. She can't move, can't breathe, can't survive without help. And the only one who can help is God. That is where real change lives. In my weakness HE is made strong. With the Father's direction, I need to begin to revel in my own weakness, without condemnation, and have faith in His strength... speaking the Word of God over my life, believing in His promises without wavering, obediently following His voice.
It seems like a tall order, but I only have to focus on right now... this moment... and as I look out my dining room window at the breezy day outside, I'm enjoying picking the wildflowers.
